I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
