When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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