I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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