when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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