With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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