i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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