he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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