Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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