If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
