made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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