I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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