there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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