roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
