would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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