I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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