Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
