Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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