that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
