dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
