I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
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