my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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