I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
