hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
