You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
