Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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