Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
