C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
