THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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