i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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