My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
