so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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