I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
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