bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
