its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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