My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
