I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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