I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
