I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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