watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
