I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
