happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
