i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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