he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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