under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
