i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
