Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
