I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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