I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
