He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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