Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Randomize
