The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
